On the other hand, I have a bad habit of making good calls, if not being outright correct, on many things.... Mostly those not directly related to myself, but still, ya gotta take your wins where they happen..... And it suddenly occurs to me that my rants on various subjects might find an audience somewhere in the widewideweb. Even speaking truth to one person has more merit than a lot of that goes on in life. I set up this damn blog one drunken evening almost 2 years ago, on the thread of a thought that what I have to say might interest *someone*. So, here we go, at long last....
First off, let me say how thankful I am that I keep fairly gratuitous notes on my thoughts, otherwise I would almost never be able to offer a cogent point to anyone. Don't ever for one second think to yourself that journaling is pointless. It isn't.
Ever had a paradigm shift? What I mean is, a moment when you come to understand that some pretty serious concepts you had about life, the universe and everything were seriously off-base? I feel as if I have been living from one shift to the next, because they are the moments when I feel truly awake, aware and alive. As the the Buddhists say. But ego death is not necessary for a bit of objectivity, and if we could all take a step or two back once in a while, the world would be a better place. Not even putting yourself in someone else's shoes, just stepping out of your own. My own paradigm has been (and no doubt still is) pretty seriously skewed, and I take pride in being able to, at least occasionally, see that it is just a framework through which I view the world. It is certainly not all-encompassing, not by a long shot.
Seems to me that most people, when faced with a moment like this, shy away from it. They tend to react with fear and rejection, almost instinctively. This is understandable. A shifting of the (perceived) universe is nothing to be taken lightly. And yet so many of us do. We fear change, be it moving to a new place or starting a new job. Who knows what's around the corner? And better the devil we know, right?
But last night I was given cause to consider the difference between true self-awareness and what could be called a self-concept: My grandmother is a good case in point. She has made herself sick and was recently put on hospice watch, all because of a line of thought that was imprinted upon her by early experiences - That, in order to be important, she needed to be seen as ill. I firmly believe that she is consciously unaware of this, and it's fucking killing her. Yet, if you could ask her, she could give you many reasonably correct observations about herself, all without ever being aware of this central concept that has had her self-medicating to the edge of oblivion.
Seems to me that most people, when faced with a moment like this, shy away from it. They tend to react with fear and rejection, almost instinctively. This is understandable. A shifting of the (perceived) universe is nothing to be taken lightly. And yet so many of us do. We fear change, be it moving to a new place or starting a new job. Who knows what's around the corner? And better the devil we know, right?
But last night I was given cause to consider the difference between true self-awareness and what could be called a self-concept: My grandmother is a good case in point. She has made herself sick and was recently put on hospice watch, all because of a line of thought that was imprinted upon her by early experiences - That, in order to be important, she needed to be seen as ill. I firmly believe that she is consciously unaware of this, and it's fucking killing her. Yet, if you could ask her, she could give you many reasonably correct observations about herself, all without ever being aware of this central concept that has had her self-medicating to the edge of oblivion.
....What I'm getting at, lad and ladies, is that we should all embrace those little moments when life offers us an extra glimpse. I pride myself in striving toward real self-awareness, even if it contradicts my self-concept. Even if it hurts. I recently had to admit to myself that a major part of my self-concept was detrimental to me in my daily life, no matter how I might cherish it. The days since have been filled with abject terror at being without something that had become cozy, but also moments of pure joy at seeing myself and my actions clearly, for the first time in over a decade.
To me, it feels like uncoupling the car from the train. Momentum is lost, but I get the chance to slow down a bit and look around. Don't fear the space between. It's often illuminating. And, if not, you need not fear being truly left behind by the metaphorical train - the well-traveled paths of your mind will not simply evapourate over night. So, what do you have to lose? And what might you gain?
To me, it feels like uncoupling the car from the train. Momentum is lost, but I get the chance to slow down a bit and look around. Don't fear the space between. It's often illuminating. And, if not, you need not fear being truly left behind by the metaphorical train - the well-traveled paths of your mind will not simply evapourate over night. So, what do you have to lose? And what might you gain?
I certainly can't promise that all future posts will be anything like this deep. Something I have been meaning to write about is the awful power of transitions - How the end of one song can utterly ruin the beginning of another, how we are expected to go from a serious news broadcast to an ad about how our shirts could all be whiter without batting any eye, and how all this emotional back-&-forth might be affecting people and society at large..... Okay, that's still kinda deep. So sue me, I overthink a lot of things. Guess that would be why I finally spilled over onto the internets....
